Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹