If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD