Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰