The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
It do be feeling this way.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
How to draw a duck
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??