Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.