Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You Might Also Like
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Plant care tips
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews