my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.