My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
You Might Also Like
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I love you to the refrigerator and back
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: