My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”