How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.