went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem