BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
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Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward