I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.