THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
i hope my email finds you on fire
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Kids: Stay in school.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.