Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I am all good here, 😂😉
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.