British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
You Might Also Like
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I laughed at this way too hard.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]