Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*