Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
ATMs should have breathalyzers
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
life finds a way
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.