HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
They’re called werewolves.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
So glad we cleared that up
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.