nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree