waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.