Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Science memes
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
This made me chuckle.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.