*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad