There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
i hate you platonically
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Wise advice
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off