millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one