dads on road-trips be like
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
bad news gang
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.