Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me trying to reach for my goals
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.