Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.