Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.