Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
.. do you even science?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
and this one
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.