[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.