My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?