[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
love it when they get my name right
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here