How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.