Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
oh my god
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.