(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt