DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I finally found a reason to live again.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”