“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Husband of the year 😂
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.