receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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our love story in four pictures
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.