I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts