Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Software Development ⛵️
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Usage Guidelines
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD