Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
A friend sent me this.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.