Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch