“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha