“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: