I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Basketball
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar