I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened