No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or