The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
when you order from DoorDastardly
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?