(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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Cats are still liquid.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Never forget.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
What personal space?
My dog
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Love this one 😂🧟
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.